Above: Andy Summers, Sting, and Stewart Copeland hold hands in an unholy ritual to, perhaps, bring about the end of the third age of earth; or they could just be reunited friends. Sources are unsure.
Los Angeles, CA—It's no longer a rumor: Sting, Stewart Copeland and Andy Summers will take the stage together once again as The Police. The trio is confirmed to open the Grammy Awards Feb. 11 at Los Angeles' Staples Center. What happens after that is still on the down low.
However, news of the imminent gathering has caused thousands of fans across the globe to experience a mystical, physical transformation known as "stingmata".
Stingmata are bodily marks, sores, or sensations of pain in locations corresponding to the excess partying, sex and drug use of Police member Sting during the 1980's. Though, even ancient Catholic texts have foretold of the eventual plague of the stingmata.
Above: Renaissance painter Parmigianino depicts the origin of the term "stingmata"; from the line at the end of Saint Paul's Letter to the Galatians where he says, "I bear on my penis the marks of Sting", with "marks" in the Latin Vulgate rendered as "stingmata".
All of the reported cases of stingmata have taken various forms. Most show some or all of the five "Party Wounds" that were, according to their manager Joey Mentzner, suffered by Sting during the height of his career from 1983 to 1987: a sore or weeping penis, rapid male pattern hair loss, an insatiable hunger with dry mouth and cool buzz, bloodshot eyes with pounding headache, and chlamydia. Some stingmatics also display dark bags under their eyes similar to those suffered by Sting during his many weeks of sleep deprivation on the "Every Breath You Take" tour. Other reported forms include calloused ass cheeks, chin dimpling, and a Tantric-like delayed ejaculate.
Grammy Award producers have not commented publicly on the reunion of The Police, nor the stingmata outbreak, but assure the public that none of the featured acts are contagious, or religious.